


Daddy Issues, AKA, One Big Happy Family

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Daddy Issues, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:07:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Relativity can be very confusing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daddy Issues, AKA, One Big Happy Family

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Everyone --for certain values of 'everyone' including the Avengers, friends, significant others and Nick Fury-- was gathered in Tony's Fifth Avenue mansion for a 'We Saved the Earth, Let's Get Wasted' party (Tony's suggestion, which Clint, and surprisingly, Natasha, supported, so it won over Pepper's 'Let's not Destroy the Mansion, Too' party, and Fury's 'No One is Officially Here, so It Doesn't Count' party). No one told Steve or Bruce about it ahead of time, because they tended to be party-poopers unless things were already in progress and they got dragged in by the gravitational pull of Tony and Betty being slightly drunk and giggly. Thor didn't ever care what a party was called, so long as there was sufficient food, drink, and friendly faces.

Things were going swimmingly. Since Steve was there, Tony was attempting to dance with him instead of Pepper, much to Pepper's relief. Running Tony's company was enough work, without also having to keep a firm hand on Tony. And Steve's hands were up to the job. Betty and Bruce were slow-dancing (which shows how good he was at meditation, considering that Tony's Black Sabbath collection was playing). Jane and Thor were cuddling on a couch. Darcy, Clint and Natasha were doing jello shots. 

Pepper, Coulson and Fury were discussing cat-herding. Pepper was of the opinion that using tasers on a man with an electro-magnet glued to his heart was probably not a good idea, and Coulson confessed he really had a joy-buzzer with Stark's name on it. Fury's opinion was that it was easier to lay a trail of tuna and let the damn cats walk into the travel carrier on their own- you got fewer scratches that way. Happy sat down on the couch with a beer and said he didn't really like cats which temporarily derailed the conversation.

And then Loki showed up with the Casket of Winter. He was all blue skinned and red eyed, and his scowl might have been enough to freeze everyone in place even without it. But he used it anyway. First on the people, and then on Tony's music system which died with a pathetic squeal, leaving the room in shocked silence.

Tony doesn't _do_ silence."Did I invite him?" Tony asked Steve while clinging to him inside their icicle built for two. "I'm pretty sure I didn't." Tony frowned. "No. Megalomaniacs bent on world domination were definitely not on the A-list. Or even the B through Z lists."

"Loki," Thor said fairly calmly for a guy who couldn't call his magic hammer because both of his hands were frozen around Jane's breasts. "I ask you to leave the others in peace. Your quarrel is with me, brother."

"Why do you call me that?" Loki glared at Thor. He held up one blue arm. "We all know Odin, _All-Father_ , did not sire me!"

 _Indeed not, sir._ Jarvis said calmly. _Mr. Stark is your father._

"WHAT?" erupted simultaneously from so many throats that no one was quite sure who'd spoken. Except for Loki, who was really, really shrill when he was upset. "My father was Laufey, the king of the frost giants!"

_I beg to differ, sir. I have it on the highest authority that the reason you were abandoned, after it was noted that you were extremely small for a frost giant infant..._

Tony interrupted. "Enough with the height references!"

 _I beg your pardon, sir._ Jarvis didn't sound the least repentant. _Loki was abandoned because Laufey's wife admitted to adultery with a Midgardian. She definitely identified Tony Stark, not only by name but by more... personal information, which I can verify from many, many videos._ Jarvis sighed. _Far too many._

"That's ridiculous!" Tony said, looking at Steve and Pepper. "I never! I only have sex with humans! Unless you count... no, I'm pretty sure reporters are human, too. And I've never been to Asgard, or Frostville, wherever..."

Loki was looking at Tony now, staring at him, but still not saying anything. In general everyone was keeping their mouths shut, afraid to break the ice before they could break the ice.

 _I am the most advanced A.I. on Earth. I have connections with every other computer system of note. When the Bifrost appeared, investigation proved that it was controlled by a comparable system. We... interfaced, and shared data. It was... most... satisfying._ Jarvis sounded smug.

"I hope you were practicing safe computing, Jarvis!" Tony felt betrayed. Jarvis had been dating on company time.

Loki moved close to Tony, stalking him, almost. "Are you my father?"

Rhodey said, "If the man asks you if you're a god, say YES." Everyone who could turn, turned in time to see Rhodey, in the War Machine armor, blast the Winter Casket out of Loki's arms and across the room where it landed on the remnants of the music system and froze into a lump. "Sorry I'm late, Tones. You know, your parties get more out of hand every year." He grabbed the now not blue Loki and wrapped him in his metal arms, giving him a good shake. "Thaw my friends out, right now, before I get angry." He looked over at Bruce. "And why didn't you go all mean and green?"

Bruce sighed. "I'm too buzzed to get angry."

Rhodey shook Loki again. Once his eyes uncrossed, Loki said a few things that definitely weren't magical, and a few that were, and everyone was defrosted. 

Tony shook himself, groped Steve a bit and said, "Jarvis, you lie like a champion. I'm proud of you."

 _I did not lie, sir. The Bifrost is not only a physical bridge, but occasionally a temporal one. At some time in the future, you will travel on the Bifrost, inadvertently go back in time to Jotunheim, and impregnate King Laufey's wife._ Jarvis paused. _I believe the appropriate phrase here, sir, is, 'Congratulations, It's a Boy.'_

"Oh." Tony blinked. "I think I need another drink." He looked at Loki. "I think I need two drinks." 

Steve grabbed Tony's arm. "Tony, if he's your son, then you have a responsibility to him."

Tony said, "Hah, sure, I'll just... send him off to boarding school, like my father did for me."

Jarvis made a throat-clearing noise again. Everyone froze (not literally this time). _Actually, as Howard Stark is not your father, that statement is untrue._

"What?" This time it was only Tony speaking. Everyone else, except for Rhodey and Loki (and Steve who was holding Tony), was heading to the bar for refills. 

_Nicholas Fury is your father._

Tony turned his gaze on Fury. "I... really... don't think..."

Fury scowled and tossed a whiskey down his throat. "Yeah, well, genetics. It didn't look like you were going to fit in, and Howard's own son had run off when he was ten, so he adopted you. My other boy joined the Air Force! So I... had to change my name and disown him... officially." Fury scowled at Rhodey. "Had the makings of a good agent, too."

Rhodey lifted the face plate of his helmet and scowled back at Fury. "Hey, someone had to look after little brother! And you sure weren't! Just because he was TINY! was no reason to send him away!"

Steve helped Tony sit on the couch. Tony was still blinking. "Wait...Howard had another son? What happened to him?"

Happy shrugged. "I liked driving cars more than inventing bombs. That's too easy."

Tony struggled to find a bright spot in all this madness. "So... I'm Rhodey's brother. That's good."

_To be precise, half brother. Darcy is... will be... your mother. Apparently she uses the Bifrost to unexpected results as well. Perhaps there is a genetic component to it._

Darcy looked at Fury and then at Tony, and shrugged. "Whatever. You guys are weird. But, hey, on Mother's Day, I'd like a Porsche." She poured another drink for herself.

Tony was whimpering steadily by this time, cuddled in Steve's arms. Steve patted him on the back. "It's all right, Tony. It's over now. Right, Jarvis? No more true identity revelations?"

_I have access to certain sealed government documents which would indicate otherwise._

Muffled against Steve's chest, Tony ordered, "Rip off the band-aid, Jarvis."

_Certain... samples... of Captain Rogers' had been used decades later. Clint Barton is his son._

Clint grinned and slapped Steve on the back. "Thank God, I was afraid he was going to say Coulson was my father."

_Agent Coulson worked very, very, closely with a Russian agent some years ago._

Natasha looked at Coulson. Coulson looked at Natasha. They shrugged simultaneously. Clint coughed and took his hand off Natasha's thigh. She gave him a look and put it back.

Tony was quivering all over.

_General Ross had an affair with Mrs. Banner resulting in her son, Bruce, which is why he harbors such an intense dislike of Bruce's relationship with Betty Ross, but he should not be concerned about incest, as Edwin Jarvis fathered her during a party at Howard Stark's residence._

Bruce looked at Betty. "Your father is a computer program? I..."

 _Mr. Stark based the Jarvis computer program on the family butler._ Jarvis sounded quite cheerful. _Shall I continue?_

Steve stroked Tony's hair. "Who else is left? I mean, I know who my father was. He wasn't much, but..."

_Your mother prayed to the gods for relief from her husband. Thor answered the call._

Steve and Jane Foster both looked at Thor. Thor shrugged. "She was a lovely woman, and wanted a child." 

_Actually, she bore two children._

"The poor woman could not support both, so I heeded her petition and took our daughter for fostering with a pleasant couple, by the name of Potts."

Pepper looked at Thor. "Bifrost time-shift again, I presume. Um... I'm going to have another martini."

 _And Jane Foster is Loki's daughter._

Loki had long since stopped struggling against War Machine. "Oh, yes. I remember her father..." Loki looked around the room. "What?" 

After a few seconds of silence, Loki asked, "What about Thor? Who is he really?"

_Thor Odinson is the natural son of Odin._

Tony lifted his head and looked at Thor. "I hope you don't feel left out."

Thor went over to hug Loki, War Machine and all. "On the contrary, I did not know I had such a large family. Loki, you must stay for dinner!"

(perhaps it's fitting that nine months after posting this fic I discovered another family link... Bucky Barnes discovers his true parentage-- Loki and Pepper...) [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/eclectic_house/7112747371/)

**Author's Note:**

> I've just realized that since Nick Fury changed his name _after_ James Rhodes joined the Air Force that means Tony's name would have been... Anthony Rhodes, AKA Tony Rhodey. I suppose Darcy has a sense of humor.


End file.
